TUESDAY JOKES - 35

 

This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campground next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.
Two old timers who were always seating on the dock thought it was a kind of funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake.
Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said, "Son when I first got married, me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!"
The new groom said, "Well, normally that's what I would do, but she...well, she's got gonorrhea."
The second old man said, "Well son haven't you ever heard about fun? Everybody's doing it these days."
The groom says, "Yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."
The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."
The groom says, "I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea."
The two old men look at each other and at the same time they said, "Damn it, Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did you marry her for?!"
He said, "Well she's also got worms... and I do love to go fishing.

Are Mexicans stubborn?
Yes, they have a Juan-track Mayan.

I don’t always go the extra mile...
But when I do, it's because I missed the exit!

A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over.' 'What do you mean?' said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, that hurts.' Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.' Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts.' The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?' 'Why yes,' she said. 'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'

There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost - like, thirty sen? An apple like a ringgit? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something!

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his willy into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my willy into the pickle slicer?" he asked.
"Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.
"Yes, I did," he told her.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.
"Oh... she got fired too."

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it isn't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever! So far, so good!

Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually, you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes, age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you will grow old; you will grow old because you stopped laughing!!

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