SUNDAY JOKES - 45

 

Patient: "I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?"
Doctor: "You've had an accident involving a bus."
Patient: "What happened?"
Doctor: "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them."
Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?"
Doctor: "There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer for your slippers."

Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?
Because they're always too quick to re-tweet.

The "Claven Theory" offers the best proof that beer actually does make you smarter....."One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went: Well, you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keep improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a lot faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Don't you feel wiser after a few?

 

"You are a cheat!" roared the angry card player.

"I am not," responded the accused.

"You certainly are," insisted the first man. "I know for sure that I never dealt you that ace!"

There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."
The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!" The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"
The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."
The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and is getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, buddy, I'd love a cigarette, because I have not had a smoke in four years, I gave it up, but tonight I'm going to have one."
The bartender hears this and says, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up! But tomorrow I'm going to sneak a quick one."
The businessman then says, "That's nerving, I haven't had a pea in 6 years"
The bartender jumps up screaming, "Okay, anyone who can't swim, please grab a table..."

Why is there no democracy in North Korea?
Because every time they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle.

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm going to have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure that?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my horny cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So, I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So, I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So, I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. 

Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."

A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number.
Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It read:
"Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million ringgit in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me."
The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:
"Actually, I only have about nine hundred thousand ringgit in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.
But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can get lost."

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