TUESDAY JOKES - 45

 

Kathy began a job as an elementary school counsellor and she was eager to help.
One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.
A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..."
"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word...
"I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..."

Q: What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?
A: Gifted.

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde with more than two brain cells?
A: A golden retriever.

Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon.
Later he came home with the pizza and the coupon. 
When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll never understand...

A college student picked up his date at her parent's home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. 

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. 

Finally, he asked her,  "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" 
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. 

She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. 

Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. 

Finally, the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" 
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa. 
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl. 
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa. 
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"

When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.

Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.

I broke a leg one time ... spilled coffee all over.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backward by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many mixed memories. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you say, "Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop has a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."

 

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so helps you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that woman in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rear-view mirrors. "What is that?"

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

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