DESPAIR

 

Despair is unique in that it lacks energy - leaving you empty and hopeless. But there are valuable lessons to be learned from despair.

Yet, you may have learned two valuable lessons from the times when you were despaired yourself.

1. You would have discovered deeper compassion.
2. And you would have experienced greater resilience.

Despair, like all emotions is temporary. You can go into any emotion and if you move yourself - instead of resisting - then you would come out of that emotion.

The reason despair is more challenging than other emotions is because it lacks energy, therefore it lacks expression. And without expression, these emotions can last longer.

There are a few ways to deal with despair that you may find very helpful.

1). Consider that despair is actually a blanket emotion, meaning it is covering something else that you do not want to feel or deal with. When this is the case, you can help yourself by finding ways to express your despair. This may involve drawing, writing, speaking. Ask yourself, “What does my despair look like or sound like?” Draw what it looks like or make a sound that conveys the feeling. It does not matter how you do it, but find a way to express your despair and it is likely that you will find yourself in the emotion you have been covering up.

2) Recognize that nothing means anything other than the meaning you give it. So, take whatever it is that contributes to your despair and alter the meaning. Explore some different questions, for example, “What might I learn from this experience? What is this experience asking of me?” Or, imagine a person you know and admire, someone who has passed away and ask, “Would that person want to be alive if they had to deal with my situation?” Another approach, “What would I tell my best friend if they were in my shoes?” The point with all of these questions is to loosen up the meaning you are making and gain a new perspective.

3) Realize that there is a good chance you are being narcissistic. Most people suffering from despair are indulging in their pain. Not everyone, some people are facing terribly difficult circumstance, but not most of us.

Despair is very often a self-indulgent emotion - we indulge in our fantasy of how hopeless our situation is. If in actuality, our circumstances are truly horrific, then other emotions may be more appropriate than despair. So, why despair? Because despair keeps you from feeling what you do not want to feel. That is the function of despair. And this is where compassion helps - recognizing that you are afraid of feeling your deeper feelings. As soon as you acknowledge that you are scared, you open a doorway, a way out of despair.

Finally, despair is an intellectual emotion, not a primal emotion. It comes as a result of thinking too much. So do not overthink this. Go do something, anything - jumping jacks, go for a run or a swim, do Tai Chi, dance, or go outside and work in the garden. Plant your seeds of despair in the soil and you will surprise yourself with what grows - you do.

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