SATURDAY JOKES - 57

 

Most Friday nights at the naval base in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer's club after work. 
On Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.
We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, 'Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer's club.' Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.
In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.
Attached to the bear was a note: 'Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home.'

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. 

He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I am having contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.
But the flashing neon sign, 'Stop 'n Tell or Go straight to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof. 

Mother: "When I was your age, my mother used to hide money around the house for me that I would find only if I performed my chores particularly well. One time when I was cleaning out the cupboards for her, I found $20 under the old shelf paper."
Daughter: "Wow! What a cool idea! Why didn't you ever do that with me?"
Mother: "But my dear ... I have been."

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. 

Again, she says no.

So, the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.
The husband says, "Well, can I phone a girl friend?"

Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine. 
"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right." 
"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button." 
The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"

In a certain suburban neighbourhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighbourhood, it turned out they have had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agreed to talk with the boys and asked to see the younger boy first. So, the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked "Where is God?"
Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked, "Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother at home, he dragged him upstairs to their room and hid in the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it.

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