TUESDAY JOKES - 56

 

Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 feet tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails and teeth.
"It looks real enough to talk," says one.
"Let's try," says the other, and turning to the statue he asks it its name.
No answer.
"How old are you?"
No answer.
Finally. one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"
Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rises onto its feet and puts its hand on its chin. 

Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight."
"Of course!" says the scientist, "... It only stands to reason."

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

I think there's something wrong with my girlfriend.
She's hallucinating.
She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.

 

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for years.

 

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

 

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." 

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. 

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. 

"Where are you from, Sam?" the cop asked
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

TELECRASTINATION.

The act of always letting the phone ring at least thrice before you pick it up, even when you're just six inches away.

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging - and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river. 

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the President.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait for a second, son, you're not handicapped!"
"No - but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."

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