THURSDAY JOKES - 58

 

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. 
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. 
She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." 
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" 
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." 
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" 
"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids...
When I got home, they were still there.

I believe that earlier this year the US Postal Service also issued a set of stamps featuring American racehorses.
This must be one of the greatest ironies of the horse racing industry. 

If a horse wins its races, it gets put on the front of a postage stamp. If it loses, it gets put on the back!

Confucius says, "When you are angry at your neighbour, walk a mile in his shoes. 

Then you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes!"

Absolutely naked woman enters the pub. 

The barman looks at her very attentively.
Woman: Hey, what's up? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman?
Barman: Well, yes, I have... I'm only interested - where will you take your cash from?

If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law...
Find a lawyer who knows the judge!

A blonde was driving down the road and she looks up and she sees a tree so she swerves to the left.
The tree is still in front of her so she swerves to the right, this time her car rolls into the ditch.
When the Police Officer came to the scene of the accident the blonde told the Police Officer about the tree that was in front of her. The officer politely explained to her that the tree was the green air freshener hanging off her rearview mirror.

The daycare teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horse," one child answers. 
"And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster."
And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint". 
What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? "I know! I know!!" exclaimed one little girl. 
"It's a horny bastard!" 

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