THURSDAY JOKES - 60

 

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. 

I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. 

Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. 

When you get out, I am on the left.

With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in.
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?

Our 15-year-old daughter, Fatimah had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.
“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.
I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.
Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my engagement day!"

What's round and bad tempered? 

A vicious circle.

The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it brella...
But he hesitated.

This is the Malaysian Space Agency. 

Commander Jaffar can't come to the phone right now. 

He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. 

Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands.
He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.
The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Heaven's sake, child, what on Earth for?"
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap', I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

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