One day
the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the
first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they
got the ball, they would run it in for a touchdown.
Then
came the second half...
First
play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five-yard
loss.
The
little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
"Who
made that tackle?" asked the ant.
"I
did," said the centipede.
Second
play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another
five-yard loss.
Back
in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I
did," said the centipede
Third
play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead
blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten-yard loss.
Back
in the huddle, the ant asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first
half?"
The
centipede replied, "Putting on my shoes!"
What do you get from a pampered
cow?
Spoiled milk!
My
doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
I
stopped drinking all fluid including water.
It
was the end-game for me.
After
a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the
church board after the service.
The first man to arrive was a stranger.
Did
you misunderstand my announcement?
This is a meeting of the board, said the
minister.
Yes,
I know, said the man.
If there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I would like to meet him.
Three
old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady
says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was
standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just
come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think
that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't
remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
All
the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One
knight told his best friend: "My bride is without doubt one of the most
beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have
her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to
her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The
Company of Knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud
of dust approaching.
Thinking
it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A
horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.
He
yells: "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
Did you hear about the two
people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months!
Bill
Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by
God...
"Well,
Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to
Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer
in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows.
I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to
let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill
replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God
said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help
you make a decision."
"Fine,
but where should I go first?"
God
said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill
said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So, Bill went to Hell.
It
was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of
beautiful naked women running around, playing in the water, laughing and
frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect.
Bill
was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God.
"If
this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine,"
said God and off he went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels
drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
"Fine, Bill" retorted God, " as
you desire." So, Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two
weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was
doing in Hell.
When
God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the
hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's
everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill
responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful,
this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to
that other place with the beaches and the beautiful naked women playing in the
water?"
God
says, "That was just the screen saver."
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