Another lonely Raya for Malaysia’s elderly gays

 

For many living in the streets, Aidilfitri is a reminder of rejection instead of forgiveness and family unity.

PETALING JAYA: There was a time when Kai looked forward to Hari Raya celebrations with family and friends at his hometown in Penang.

These days, while millions of Malaysians marked the end of the fasting month with forgiveness and festivities, Kai is reminded only of the pain of rejection by his loved ones because of his sexuality.

“It’s not my fault that I was born a gay person. I didn’t ask for this,” Kai told FMT, declining to use his real name. While others marked the end of the fasting month with forgiveness, Kai sees little reason to do so. “There’s no need to beg forgiveness from anyone for being myself,” he says.

After he was kicked out of his family home by his parents, Hari Raya Aidilfitri has never been the same for Kai. The 55-year-old has not seen his family for the past three decades.

For many years, he was angry with his parents and ashamed of himself, he said. He almost gave in to society’s norms. “To think that I almost got married just to hide my true self,” he said.

Kai said self-acceptance came only years later, thanks to the support of others in the LGBTQ community of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer people. “I learnt that family is more than just blood ties,” he said.

This week, in the midst of family reunions across the country, Kai marked Hari Raya alone at his home in Kuala Lumpur, not unlike many other Muslim LGBTQ.

Retired librarian Noordin, 65, has been living alone since he moved out of his parents’ home decades ago.

“I had no particular plan to celebrate Hari Raya. To me, Hari Raya is just like any other day, with no more excitement, unlike during my childhood days. I would make myself available if there are any invitations to visit. Otherwise, I’d rather spend time by myself,” he told FMT.

Social activist Ismail Baba said the lack of social and legal recognition for the LGBTQ population, and discrimination by society, had led them to live in isolation.

Ismail, a former social studies professor at Universiti Utara Malaysia, said a life alone had left many members of the community unable to take care of themselves in their twilight years.

“They may end up in care or nursing homes, especially when they do not have children, partners, and family members to look after them. Yet, most care facilities may not be able to accept LGBTQ older adults because of stigma and discrimination. This will push them further into isolation,” he told FMT.

This sense of loneliness is something Sam, an elderly Kuala Lumpur-based gay man, knows so well. He hopes younger LGBTQ members will find it easier to find acceptance by their loved ones.

To parents, Sam, a retired academic, said: “Love your children regardless of their personalities and never blame God for giving you a child who is different from others.” - FMT