There
was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about
him was his body weighed five pounds and his testicles weighed five pounds.
All
the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief
surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.
The
head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby."
So,
the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a
mental institution."
"Why?"
asked the head nurse.
"Well,"
replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half
nuts!"
Prior to
turning on the TV to watch a recorded soccer match, I said to my wife, “Don’t
tell me the score!”
She
replied, “ Don't worry, there wasn’t any!”
Question: Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope has one but
doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time!
What is it?
Answer:
Surname!
Q: What
stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A postage stamp!
A husband and wife were playing on the ninth
green when she collapsed
from a heart attack.
"Please dear, I need help." she said.
The
husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His
wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't
worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he will come and help."
"The
second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! the doctor told you not to
worry." he said, while he practiced stroking his putt.
"Everyone's already agreed to let him play through!"
Q -
What do you call a man with no body but just the nose?
A - Nobody nose!
Q -
What do prisoners use to call each other?
A - Cell phones!
The
Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is
that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes
your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove the testicles."
Joe
was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He
couldn't concentrate long enough to answer but decided he had no choice but to
go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the
first time in over 20 years but he felt as if he was missing an important part
of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The
elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44
long."
Joe
laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been
in the business 60 years!"
Joe
tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the
tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and
then said, "Sure."
"Let's
see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe
was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been
in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the
salesman said, "You could use a new shoe."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The
man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Joe
was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been
in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit
perfectly.
As
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new
underwear?"
Joe
thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The
man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe
laughed. "Finally, I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years
old."
The
tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would
press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache!"
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