SUNDAY JOKES - 136

 

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to my wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

The girl knelt at the confession and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself naked in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake!"

My grandfather has the heart of a lion...

and a lifetime ban from the zoo!

What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Ghoulash!

How do undertakers speak?
Gravely!

What happened if you upset a cannibal?
You get into hot water!

What do vampires think of blood transfusions?
New-fangled rubbish!

You'll never see a million-hair putting everything into a shaving account. 

Instead, he makes bald decisions, even if they are pure follicle!

 

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. 

The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.

When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said,
"I'm meeting' my wife right away. How do I get the gum out of my ears?"

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!"

"I know, you idiot!" said the man, "I was pushing it!"

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers for experiments in our laboratory?"
"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"

"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained. "First, our laboratory assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things even a rat won't do!"

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