TUESDAY JOKES - 137

 

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?” The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” 

The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman says, “May I see your licence?” The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?” 

The old man yells, “He wants to see your licence!”

The woman gave the officer her licence. The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” 

And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised!

What have you done in your life?
Didn't you read my tweets?

Wearing a tight bathing suit can cure men's headaches. 

If it contains aspeedominophen!

There is an old story about the data centre of the future.
This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.
The man's job is to feed the dog.

The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer!

A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. 

He says to the bartender, "I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender looks at him like he's nuts and says, " I sorry but I don't serve gorillas in this bar."

The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bartender gives it to them.
They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, "Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good-looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men?

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. 

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. 

The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day; this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbour from forty miles away....Having a birthday party this Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Got to warn you...There will be some drinking'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'likely, there will be some fighting' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just for the two of us".

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