THURSDAY JOKES - 166

 

Relaxing at Likas Beach, Sabah

On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there. 
"Okay," his date replied. 
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.

"The same thing I always tell them. "You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time!"

 

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. 

"What's wrong, sayang?" asked the confused husband. 

"Oh, bang," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Lisa's room when I found whips, handcuffs, and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What are we going to do?" 

"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

 

A patient says, “Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?” 

The doctor replies, “Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up!”

What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water? 

I just got laid by a chick and now I'm getting hard!

 

Three babies are in their mother's womb. 

One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." 

The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." 

The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that thing in half!"

 

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes and mates all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. 

At lunch, the rooster again mates all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. 

The next day, he finds the rooster mating the ducks, geese, and a parrot too which is now scaring him. 

Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. 

The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." 

The rooster opens one eye, points up, and whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"

 

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. 

So, she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" 

He replies, "I'm having a heart attack." She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister." 

She discovers her sister in the bathroom closet in the nude, and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"

 

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." 

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. 

They simply wrote: "Returned unopened!"

 

Ahmad is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Ahmad. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Ahmad says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "Come on Ahmad, I want a nephew. Ahmad, make me an uncle." Ahmad can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?" 

"Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honour." 

"Well, congratulations, you're holding him!"

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