Poised for a BIG FALL: A letter of thanks to 'Humpty Dumpty' Najib Razak
Dear Mr Prime Minister,
I do not wish to interrupt your present massive grave digging exercise, but I feel compelled to extol my gratitude upon your mighty moustached-ness. My self-respect demands it! But instead of prattling on aimlessly, I shall endeavour to catalogue your heaping handfuls of judiciousness.
1. Thank you for your fairness
Time and again, you make certain all Malaysians, young and old, men and women, ill and well, get an equal taste of the sweet savour of tear gas. The intoxicating blend of bronchial obstruction and optical inflammation should by no means be a luxury solely relished by the weak of heart and the blind of eye!
And you made sure of that several sunny Saturdays ago, while Malaysians were merry-making in yellowy yarns under the scorching heat. Fearful of them availing themselves to melanoma, you commanded your constabulary to orchestrate orgies of obliteration with showers of asphyxiating fluid. After all, Malaysians must be made to forcibly understand the merits of chemical carnage for jaundiced jaunts. Nothing like a Power Shower to help open up ones pores.
2. Thank you for the entertainment
I am certain the only reason you fill your cabinet with a platoon of feebleminded dumb dumbs is for sheer entertainment value. It was especially kind of you to employ your cousin, that Beacon of Buffoonery, who appears to have honed the fine art of shooting himself in the foot while said foot has taken up permanent residency in his vacuous mouth! He has, for all intents and purposes, the intellectual capacity of a stapler and should only be allowed to oversee flower arrangements.
Your other parliamentary Pinocchios’, ministry minions and government gnomes are also a hoot and a half. Those worthy of special mention are the blockhead of Kota Belud, the hand smooching half-wit of Hulu Selangor and of course the chief chimp buccaneer of UMNO Youth. That these regular Charlie Chaplins’ are allowed to roam at large in a civilised country is simply hilarious!
Another one of your despotic disciples with dazzling comic timing is of course the Fatwa Council. Amidst their hourly ablutions, the funny Fatwa folk doth protest too much, on protests. Understandably though, for the Holy Writ has cautioned that assembled mobs may break into meditative mayhem and God forbid, some frenzied form of protestutional yoga might ensue. And as we all know, behind every Yoga pose, is THE LGBT!!
Equally farcical are your component parties which remain very much like a left foot in an automatic car -useless and without function. But they’re always worth a laugh!
3. Thank you for hating “The Opposition”!
It is this revulsion that drives you to foil “The Oppositions” ominous aims of democratising and freeing this former British crown colony with their sinister socialism. To have to repeatedly heave yourself out of bed and dip into your pot of plots to uncrown these freedom fiends must be mentally menacing but I do see its merits. I have to say your latest scheme is simply scholarly. To accuse “The Opposition” of orchestrating a coup d’etat is too de brilliant! One might argue that a coup is typically done by the military and the military is known to be firmly jammed under your fascist feet, right next to the Federal Constitution and press freedom. But those democratic donkeys from “The Opposition” are notorious for overthrowing governments using dragons, unicorns and very ripe turnips, so watchful one must be of their impending treachery! Also, beware of a gnat with a lavender wand.
Another Grand villain you ought to be wary of is this newfangled invention called “The Internet”. “The Internet” appears to be in cahoots with “The Opposition” and has made several notable attempts at disrupting and disputing your league of lying louts. “The Opposition” have even deigned to call you Hitler! But in doing so, they have displayed a depressing level of stupidity by overlooking one glaring difference- your name begins with an “N”, not an “H”. HAH! Those perfidious knaves! They must be banished!!
4. Thank you for curing insomnia
Your dull and dreary speeches, laced with the cursory hog-calling chant of 1 Malaysia, with an expression much like an ape with a stomach ache, are sedatively divine! You have the caustic wit and physical presence of Louis the 16th and on occasion, Eeyore! Of late, it does seem like your advisors (i.e. carers of your moustache) have recommended you pump your all too powerful fists in the air, exercise your foul facial muscles and make audible hollering sounds, using various words from the Indian sub-continent. I would advise you to stop doing that. It unsettles my solar plexus and disturbs my otherwise sound sleep.
5. Thank you for your generosity
Your “pay-the-poor-pittance” BR1M movement was an incalculable act brimming with generous bravado. It was touching to see the jingo patriots genuflect their government gargoyles of greatness, while the elderly were made to stand in queuing herds, begging for money from the very bandits who routinely stole it from them. Like a true Champion of Chumps, you used the people’s piggy bank to piggyback the people whose pursers you previously pillaged!
I suppose it is this fine sense of commerce that has permitted you to broker a windfall from watercraft ventures. While others may deride you with derogatory adjectives for the purchase of mechanical mermaids, I see its usefulness in helping you submerge yourself further in the cesspool of corruption you currently marinate in! Your mastery at making many monies through aquatic acquisitions has inspired parallel deeds by your fellow party pirates. Why, it clearly stirred the Husbandry Husband of an erstwhile Madam Minister to take borrowed funds to buy buildings for bovines. This seems completely apt in this bullish economy.
6. Thank you for helping Malaysians lose weight
I, much like many Malaysians, can’t seem to view you without experiencing revolting nausea. Your jolly jingle, “Nation on my mind, people in my heart”, induces vomit in my throat! And visions of your fair lady comforting the whimpering poor with her bejewelled arms are always a bulimic bonus. Her heavily doctored presence alone heals hunger and leaves me enlightened with a heavy head of weightlessness. Her clunky adornments also help repel taste.
I could go on but I am suddenly overcome with utter laziness. So Thank you MR. Prime Minister! Thank you so very much! The perils of being a premier louse are endless but you remain true to yourself. That of a man whose vision is veiled by vile vengeance.
A man who idly shakes his cloven hooves while his grandchildren’s grandmother greedily gobbles gallons of gold. A man, who amidst a womary of deceptive delusions, claims to speak the truth.
But I dreadfully fear no one is spellbound by your spiel and you’re in a Humpty Dumpty dump! Hence all that is left to do is present you a botanical offering with a card that reads “Your lease is up BN. Prepare to vacate the premises”! And let the embalming begin!