WHEN MAHATHIR SINGS, UMNO DANCES

He owns the three-letter word. When someone mentions “Tun” — the highest title for a commoner — only, it is unlikely my countrymen are befuddled of whether the person is referring to a retired chief justice, civil service chief or even another ex-prime minister.

Praba Ganesan, The Malay Mail

Mahathir Mohamad is not prime minister (today) but does that matter?

And since almost any Malaysian is likely to consider the question a little longer than he or she cares to admit lays an amazing reality of the grip the former prime minister has on the people.

His opponents can disagree but they would not forget to keep one eye open for the rebuttal. The man from Alor Setar does not strike without an awareness of what victory constitutes.

In the living memories of the masses he has won every turn and a trashing is about all that his opponents go home with.

Oh the good old days!

It was easy for the Umno diehards to know the right path to walk, just watch where Tun goes. Tun… see what I mean?

He owns the three-letter word. When someone mentions “Tun” — the highest title for a commoner — only, it is unlikely my countrymen are befuddled of whether the person is referring to a retired chief justice, civil service chief or even another ex-prime minister.

But today, I want to talk about the Umno members who are stuck between a wall and a ten-tonne roller heading their way. It’s not fun at all right now for the Umno dulu, kini dan selamanya (before, now and forever) sorts. As the present prime minister dances with the shadow of the longest serving prime minister who believes Najib Razak should step down.

The Umno loyalists

A party has members as according to the power the said party has. Umno has run the country for half a century so the power is immense and so is the following.

The ugliest playing football team with the most trophies will always dwarf in support the purest football team without trophies.

So you can imagine, the following is colossal but the party-spine is filled with what I call the playground bullies, the ones who thrive in Umno being stuck in its ways and averse to reasonable reforms because changes bring doubt with them.

Doubt frees minds and creates options but kills power monopoly. Which is why they love Mahathir — because he is unapologetic about the party’s self-centredness and empowers the sycophants to spout what they like no matter how ridiculous as long as they stay loyal.

Mahathir used the base or bullies to steady his ship during his time. Let me explain the anatomy of these guys.

Conventional wisdom suggests that playground bullies have to eventually grow up, usually after failing high school, marrying neighbourhood girls and ending up working for the kids whose lunch money they stole with impunity in school.

That things even up somewhere down the road.

Except in Malaysia, where playground bullies can drop out from mainstream paths to join Umno and remain as grown-up bullies, literally having their cake and eating it too, and the cake of the docile looking guy next to them, and the next guy’s and thereafter until there are no more cakes till the bakery opens in the morning.

Malaysia has been playground bullies’ utopia — or playground if wordplay is your thing — till recently. These days even the most steadfast Umno bully is at a dizzying crossroads of deciding which way to go. Because deciding is frowned up culturally in the party, following  however is a pre-requirement for survival — irrespective of whether the member is faking it or not.

Because Mahathir is not playing ball with Najib right now.

When mummy and daddy fight

These should be great days for the Umno hardcores.

Not quite as the proverb “March winds and April showers (probably won’t) bring forth May flowers.”

Think about it, Pakatan Rakyat has no head honcho and every political decision is clouded by who’ll be leader of the Opposition.

Malaysian first DAP and godliness first PAS are in a mortal lock on a precipice threatening to fall together into oblivion. PKR, the closest mirror to Umno in the Opposition pact, is at pains to show that cruise control is not at Selangor’s seat of power.

The people are not swayed by repetitions by Pakatan that most of the country agrees with them. Sarawak elections are possibly months away but there is no demonstrable plan. Two by-elections with enticing prospects: winning the Pahang Rompin seat with a larger majority as the rifts within Pakatan show and losing Penang’s Permatang Pauh but with opportunities to claim nepotism.

Tax burdens of the GST and weakening ringgit should be massive political points but with an Opposition failing to land a sucker punch and a government machinery at full throttle explaining, there is a sluggish stalemate.

Which indicate Umno men should be partying like it’s 1995, but it’s muted.

Because Mahathir and Najib are at odds.

The Umno core is in fact distracted. Not even shouting down a bunch of defenceless minorities over their inability to stop being defenceless and minorities, amuses them presently.

They are so deflated that they’re not even going to be excited about the prospect of riding their motorbikes powered by unsubsidised fuel around the PKR headquarters screaming for a fight, or threatening to burn down anything associated with DAP. They are so depressed they might skip a lawatan sambil belajar (work-study trip) or two, OK perhaps not that depressed.

This guy, that guy, this guy, that guy…

Does the average Umno man have to pick a side, or wait till it ends somehow?

Or does he instead move to Australia and keep insisting that a reveal all TV interview is just around the corner?

The wistfulness aside, in a parochial and loyalty driven organisation such as Umno there are only two choices, with or against.

Which is why you can see, it is perplexing for the party hardmen, more perplexing than why local women like K-pop and K-dramas. They feel they are against it and have to pick the winner, not necessarily the better cause. Stuck between a wall and a slow moving ten-tonne roller in their general direction, without a cute pop star to be flattened with them.

Because Umno men, the true and true sort, know that victors win and write history, and losers go through the block screaming murder, betrayal and revolt until fans quietly slip out as the contracts disappear and head back to the mothership. And predictably the losers see the light, come home, repent and play second-fiddle. Ask Tengku Razaleigh or Ezam Mohd Nor, they’d tell you a story.

The bigger question is, with the rift widening by the week and knowledge that when it comes to Mahathir and any presiding party president opinions will be divided across the party with the caveat that choosing the wrong horse alters careers, will the party’s staunchest people stay unscathed when the battle ends?

Umno is not concerned about losing national power right now, but it is petrified that its own soul will be ripped beyond repair if the ongoing secret warfare remains without a truce.