SATURDAY JOKE - 13

An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other. The Indian says to the bartender: "I want Lager!" 
The bartender says: "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Indian a tall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out. 
Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender: "I want beer!" 
The barkeeper says: "Whoa there Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here...What was that all about, anyway?" he asked.
The Indian explained: "My training for a job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days, then come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind..."

“Don't ever lie to walls because they hallways know the truth.”

Q: Why did the blonde fail her driving test?
A: Because she was not used to being in the front seat.

Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!
Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her driver's license!
Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.
Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.
Yo mama so short she models for trophies.

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

 

My son asked me if a punch bowl is a place where you keep the names of people you want to punch... 
I usually keep them in my head but, keeping them in a fancy crystal bowl seems classy.

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.
The blonde said that her mother had passed away.
The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.
The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying this time.
The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. 

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

So, I think I'm in the clear
The boss is nowhere in sight
I logon to the web and start to surf
And then my hair stands up with fright
The footsteps coming down the hall
Are quickening in pace
There is no time to exit
No way to save my face
So, I press the power button
And relax just a bit
There is no way he can tell
Exactly what I hit
I act all surprised
Don't know why my machine died
"Simply unpredictable these computers are!" I cried
"So, we'll get you a new one
A computer that won't crash" he exclaims
Do you think he'll wonder?
When the new one acts the same?

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