SATURDAY JOKES - 32

 

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See the long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next, she holds up a picture of a zebra. One of the students holds up his hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next, she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still, no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25 pm."
BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Diana?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Liza.

When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favourite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?"
"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"

A little girl and a little boy were at day-care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Ahmad, want to play house?"
He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
Nisha replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Ahmad. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband".

I'm seeking a new financial services provider for my deer friend. 

I'm looking for the most bang for my buck.

A woman went into a bank to get a cheque cashed, but she didn't have an account with them. When the teller asked her for some identification, the woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a library card.
The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she didn't have one.
"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.
"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the President of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

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