SUNDAY JOKES - 38

 

This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment.
"Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back."
"I had the same thing, man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes."
"That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?"
"Not so good, dude."
"What's the problem?" his friend asks.
"To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Walmart for him, a woman behind me in the checkout line asked if it was for a dog.
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I was awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a cardiac arrest, and would need help as he laughed so hard, he fell to the floor.

A Union President was sitting at his son's bedside getting ready to read him a bedtime story.
He starts out, "Once upon a time and a half..."

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."
The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."
Then he asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first-class section and requested that she move to her seat since she did not have a first-class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first-class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first-class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first-class section wasn't going to New York."

My wife is incredibly smart.
When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!”
She already knew it was me.

Jack and Leroy were talking one day in the company's lunch room. Leroy confessed that he had recently been having trouble with his woman. Leroy said they just didn't have that "spark" anymore, and sex was practically non-existent. He asked Jack, who was his best friend, if Jack and his wife ever seemed to have that problem. Jack said, "Leroy, my friend, whenever my wife and I get into a slump, I find that it's romance, man, romance. Candy, flowers and poetry that does the trick."
Leroy said "Romance, that romance shit doesn't work for black folks and poetry? Man, I can't be saying off no poetry, that shit is for faggots."
Jack disagreed and stressed how romance spiced up his sex life with his wife. Leroy said " OK, bro, I'll give it try. What should I do?"
Jack said, "You go to the flower shop, pick up some beautiful flowers. Stop and get a big box of chocolates, and then, when you walk through the door, you make up a poem You need to say something about how beautiful she is, and explain to her the way you want to make love to her."
Leroy says "Give me an example."
Jack thinks a moment and says, "Well, here's one that worked really well for me: "Beautiful blond hair, eyes like a dove Come here my darling, let's make sweet love."
Leroy says "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."
The next day, as Jack walks into the company's lunch room, he sees Leroy. Leroy's head is swollen and covered with bruises. Jack rushes over and says "What happened to you?"
Leroy replies "I tried your fucking romance bullshit, that's what happened!" "What did you do? "Took your advice, went, got some flowers, stopped and got some candy, walked in the door and recited some poetry."
"And it didn't work?"
"Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit out of me."
Jack says "I just don't understand...Let's hear your poem."
Leroy replies: "Nappy hair, nappy hair eyes like a frog bend over, bitch, I want to make love to you like a dog."

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