THURSDAY JOKES - 50

 

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and RM2 million,' the attorney reads.
'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business, and RM1 million.'
'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. 'Hi, Dan!'.

Q: What do Blondes say after making love?

A1: Thanks, Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

An old man walked into the confessional at the church and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest replied, "Well, my son when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm a Hindu."
The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"
"Hey, I'm telling everybody." 

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven, she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Hey Woman, our contract was until death!'

A guy walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
The checkout girl looks at him, smiles, and says, 'Single, huh?'
The guy smiles sheepishly and replies, 'How did you guess?'
She says, 'Because you're ugly.'

It's so cold in Alaska that:-
... someone stabbed himself with an icicle and died of cold cuts!
... babies are brought by penguins, not by storks!

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the woman assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the woman.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the woman, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed woman snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
"To apply, push up bottom."

A large, well-established Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Sure, that's what they call it NOW!"

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