SATURDAY JOKES - 91

 

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.", to which the wife responds,
"He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you too."

 

My love for my wife is like dividing by zero; it cannot be defined! 

Yesterday my spouse was berating me for checking my email all day as I work from home.
"You know," she complained, "I think that work rules your life."
"No dear," I replied, "you rule my life... I just prefer to work."

If we combine my IQ and my wife's body, we would begin a race of super genetic children who would conquer the earth! 

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Langkawi for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love on Monday, we almost made love on Tuesday..."

I am attracted to my woman so strongly; scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force! 

Two men staggered into a pub, dragging their extremely drunk mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender.
"What about him?" asked the bartender, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving!" his pal replied.

Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats but all three engineers crammed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train had departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. 

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please!"

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