TUESDAY JOKES - 101

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"  

When a dog is choking, other dogs will frantically sniff its butt in an attempt to save it. 

This is known as the hind-lick manoeuvre in the animal kingdom!

At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. 

It turned out to be my husband and me. 

The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right!"

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "God is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. 

Peering out into the darkness, he called, "God? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

The probability of someone watching you is proportionate to the stupidity of your action!

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. 

The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day.
She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.
When it was finally the wife's turn to talk, she took the receiver and said, "Hi, sweetheart."
"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the grab-food you ordered is here!"

Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins!

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says "no".
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take her seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral!"

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