Two vampires are going for their midnight
feed. After an hour or so, one vampire gets tired of looking and goes home with
no blood.
The other vampire comes home with blood dripping from
its mouth. The first vampire says enviously, "Where did you get all that
blood from?"
The second vampire replies, "Follow me. I'll
show you."
After a while the second vampire leads them to a
cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry vampire excitedly says, "Yes!"
The other vampire says, "I didn't!"
“Costumes are very important for a ballerina.
She keeps them in her special tulle box.”
How much room is needed for fungi to
grow?
As mushroom as possible.
How did the bird break into the house?
It came with a crow bar!
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says
Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
exclaims Daisy.
10 blondes and 1 brunette were mountain climbing one
day.
So, they were climbing and they got into trouble at a
spot.
One of them had to give up their life so they could
continue on.
So, the brunette said "I'll do it so you girls
can go on".
So, she jumped to the jagged rocks below (ouch).
The dumb blondes felt sorry for the brunette, so they jumped off too!
A contractor dies in a car accident on
his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is
playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd
cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any
better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally
at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son,
we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the
contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried
to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10
Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember
doing anything really special when I was alive. "Congratulations for
what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're
celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to
see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter
with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at
Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope
that when I died, I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy but I only
lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets!"
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar
at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other
and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top
of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building
are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the
window."
The bartender just shakes his head in
disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you
a nut? There is no way that could happen."
"No, it's true," said the
first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over
the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor,
the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window
and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite
astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have
been a one-time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again,"
says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as he is hurling toward the street,
the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow
drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says,
"it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward,
passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk!"
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