‘My loneliness is killing me’ is more than a lovely tune

 

“My loneliness is killing me” says a popular pop song about the usual angst of young people falling in and out of love.

It was very popular when it was first released by Britney Spears, and is now popular again after being part of the soundtrack of a movie featuring Jack Black.

But that loneliness kills is real, and it’s more than just a lovely tune.

Very recently, my wife heard that a close friend, with whom she used to go to school many years ago, had died in the saddest of situations back in Penang.

The circumstances are still rather sketchy (to us anyway), but apparently the friend fell and died (or perhaps the other way around) in her bathroom. Her decomposed body wasn’t discovered until days later.

She lived alone, retired from a senior hospital role, having worked both locally and abroad. She never married and didn’t have any children.

We hadn’t met her for a long while, and I certainly couldn’t say for sure whether she was lonely in her last days. For all I know she may have had a blast and was enjoying herself as if there’s no tomorrow.

But she did die alone, unnoticed, and at least during that period, unmourned.

And that’s sad. Beyond sad even, given it wasn’t that long ago such a tragic situation would have been almost unheard of in our society.

If I could have my way, I would go in my sleep, surprising myself and others around me when I don’t wake up. There should be plenty of tears, or at least some, and if there’s no one to notice my passing and the police had to break down the door of my house a week later, that would have sucked.

My late mother always said she wanted to die at home – home is what you build to live in, and also to die in. The idea of dying in a hospital, probably alone, surrounded by strangers and machines, was, to her, sad and wrong.

She and my late father did get their wish to die at home surrounded by their loved ones – all except me, because I was away.

Lessons from lockdowns

The Covid-19 lockdowns have shown us how tough life can be for those living alone, especially if loneliness is forced upon us, and especially if it comes with the usual stresses of money, health, career, relationship, etc.

Surprisingly, in the west, the Covid-19 lockdowns didn’t increase the degree of loneliness by much. Unfortunately, the sad reason for that could be due to the already high degree of loneliness even before the lockdowns.

Surprisingly, it seems most middle-aged people are less lonely than younger ones, even if the reason could be that they’ve learnt to cope with loneliness, compared to the younger ones who don’t cope with it as well.

In the US, where there is better data on this, around one out of three adults suffer loneliness, defined as an unpleasant emotional response to perceived isolation. In Malaysia, things may not be that bad, but we can’t be much better either, and are likely to be heading in that direction.

Lonely among people

Because loneliness depends on the difference between a person’s actual versus desired level of connectedness, it’s possible then that even somebody who is surrounded by people all the time could still feel lonely.

Social media doesn’t help. Watching others “live their best life” tends to exacerbate any feelings of inadequacy and unfairness about how life is treating you. Comparing your life against what looks like a perfect life is likely to create disappointment and mental health issues.

Let’s be honest, only cats with doting owners live their best lives. The rest of us humans live at some level of compromise, often rueing what could have or should have been. The best among us is the one who accepts such compromises and makes the best of it.

Japan, a country increasingly full of old people and a declining number of young people, is facing a growing number of lonely, often undiscovered deaths, so much so they even have a name for it – Kodokushi.

In the US, the surgeon-general has called loneliness a “growing health epidemic” that leads to a shorter lifespan akin to indulging in some harmful health practices, such as heavy smoking.

The UK a few years ago even created a Minister for Loneliness in recognition of its effect on society. That feels like a sketch from a comedy show, but it was real, and perhaps deserves more celebration from us rather than derision.

Keeping your own company

I’ve always been comfortable with solitude. I’m more of an introvert who enjoys his own company, and often feels refreshed by it. I don’t have very high expectations that people around me will make efforts to keep me company, and hence am often not disappointed.

But that’s not the same as saying “leave me alone”. I like to be among people, even if often I’m hovering just outside of their circle as if I’m an observer of the human condition, and not actually partaking in it actively.

That’s not the same as being lonely, though that doesn’t mean I can’t succumb to loneliness either. Advancing age will put more pressure on our mobility, as well as physical, psychological and financial abilities, and I wouldn’t dare claim I’m immune to loneliness.

Loneliness hurts mentally. Such hurts also have an impact on the overall health condition, increasing all other health risks. It’s a clear mental health issue that will just get more serious as society gets older and more stressed in an increasingly strife-prone world.

What can we do? I’m not a minister of loneliness, but I can tell you that a lack of human contact can drive people to depression and even an early death.

As the familiar old kampung extended family gives way to smaller and more dispersed families, loneliness will just become a bigger issue.

Kita jaga kita

Understanding the challenges facing all of us is a good start. Family members must be aware of the insidious effects of loneliness, especially among the old, and make an effort to deal with it.

We don’t need to have a government minister tell us how important that is.

All of us can do something. We can keep an eye on our neighbours and friends, and inquire if something appears unusual.

Reach out to people we haven’t heard from for a long time, even if only by texts or video calls if we can’t physically meet.

A little care and concern go a long way. “Kita jaga kita” should really mean all of us kitas must try to keep a lookout for all of the kitas.

The Covid-19 pandemic is gone, but the epidemic of loneliness remains, and is rearing its nasty head everywhere. The person who dies alone in their own home could be any of us or our loved ones. - FMT

The views expressed are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of MMKtT.