SUNDAY JOKES - 295

Chokoh Fun Ride 3.0 Kayuh 26km event at Melaka, Malaysia this morning.

A conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.

Husband : (Returning late from work) “Good Evening, Dear, I’m now logged in.”
Wife : Have you brought the grocery?

Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morning

Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife : What about my new TV?

Husband : Variable not found …
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.

Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied…
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?

Husband : Too many parameters …
Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are useless.

Husband : It’s by Default.
Wife : What about your Salary?

Husband : File in use … Try after some time.
Wife : What is my value in the family.

Husband : Unknown Virus!

 

One night, Ismail was walking home alone when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Ismail and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Ismail put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Ismail’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Ismail was 1 ringgit.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Ismail why he had bothered to fight so hard for 1 ringgit.
“Was that all you wanted?” Ismail replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred ringgit I’ve got in my shoe!”

 

In a supermarket, Kassim lost sight of his wife. He comes up to a nice young lady and asks, “Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?”

“Why should I?”

“It’s always the same – as soon as I get into talking with a pretty woman, my wife abruptly pops up from out of nowhere!”

 

Dad, will you help me with my homework?”
“I’m sorry,” replied the father. “It wouldn’t be right.”

“Well, ” said the boy, “at least you could try!”

 

Three little boys were sitting on a porch. The first little boy says, “What would you do with a million dollars?” The second boy said, “I’d buy that blue Cadillac over there.” The third little boy said, “I’d buy the pink Cadillac sitting over there.”

Then the third little boy asked the first what he’d do with the money. The first boy replied, “I’d cover myself in hair.” The other two asked “why?” and he said because my sister has a long patch of hair and she owns both those Cadillac!

 

A couple days ago, I was crossing this bridge and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand. He goes, Hey, can you help out my wife and family? I said, Sure. And I pushed him off the bridge!

 

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously grounded to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

“I know,” said the Branch Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems and we can be on our way.”

“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me and in no time at all, I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it and we can be on our way.”

“Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again!”

 

Dear Tech Support,

Last year, I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

I M Depress.

 

Dear I M Depress,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.
Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often these systems have become infected with viruses.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.
The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use utilities such as The Learning Channel and Fight To Death!
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0

With best wishes,
Tech Support.

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. For more information or to order for Memo Plus Gold, please visit : https://oze.my

FT Mufti draws 7 guidelines of dos and don’ts for Muslims who wish to join in Christmas do

 

GREETINGS everyone, I suggest that the government abolishes religious festival holidays fort Muslims (except for Hari Raya Aidilfitri).

Only non-Muslims go on holiday while government offices remain open so we’re not directly involved in the holidays celebrating the religious festivals of other faiths.

Hopefully the mufti can urge the government to abolish the public holidays for Christmas, Thaipusam, Deepavali by limiting these holidays to only followers of those religions.

Such was the sarcasm – or rather, an ingenious proposal – left behind on the comment section of the Federal Territories (FT) Mufti Office following its issuance of guidelines and Islamic ruling on the involvement of Muslims in Christmas celebration

Issued against the brouhaha sparked by the Melaka Islamic Religious Department (JAIM) ban on Christmas decorations at halal premises in the state, it hopes the guidelines would enable Muslims to draw their boundaries so as to maintains social relations and harmony without compromising on their faith and identity.

Specifically, the guidelines and Islamic ruling encompass seven areas which are often regarded as ‘hot potatoes’ in the run-up to the Yuletide season:

Attending Christmas gatherings: Fine if they are held outside places of worship, intended to strengthen social ties and the food served is halal; Makruh (discouraged) if gatherings are held at places of worship during a deemed religious festivity.

Christmas carolling: Haram (prohibited) because such activity is part of the Christian propagation and ritual that contain praises and doctrine of faith that run foul of the Islamic faith.

Wearing/displaying Christmas-related apparatus/decor: Haram to be associated with the Christian cross, don Santa Claus’ robe/cap, headband with reindeer antlers, Christmas bells or any symbols that signify Christmas.

Giving and receiving Christmas gifts: The Secret Santa public tradition is a no-no nor should Muslims give away liquors to non-Muslims as Christmas present.

Muslims organising Christmas parties: Discouraged to prevent Muslims from behaving like Christians.

Planting pine trees as décor: Fine only to beautify the landscape. But Muslims are advised to avoid indulging in activities that can spark slanders and public misconception.

Greeting others “Merry Christmas”: Fine to preserve cordial relationship in a plural society among people/family members of diverse race and faith without recognising and glorifying the Christian faith. Discouraged if there is no clear intention or can spark slander or confusion of faith. Haram if the greeting is intended to praise, glorify and recognise other faiths.

‘Compliance can be a hassle’

Well, a quick glance at the comment section of the FT Mufti Office’s FB post highlighted a few intriguing reactions.

In addition to the above comment which is sensible given the restrictions are understandably too tedious to comply, one commenter teasingly wondered “how to ensure Muslim staff turn out for work during non-Muslim religious festivities for they’re the ones most eager to balik kampung during every festivity”.

That aside, one commenter voiced concern over Muslim staff at business premises donning Christmas symbols in the likes of the red-and-white Santa cap and reindeer antlers every December.

“I request JAKIM (Department of Islamic Development Malaysia) and the mufti office respond and do something about this matter,” she urged.

“From year to year we find this happening as if there is nothing wrong when it’s indeed wrong and should be stopped completely. If this is left unchecked, then it’ll gradually become normal.”

One commenter asked for prayers given her family wishes “to engage with other family members who’re celebrating Christmas with the intention of not only fostering family bond but also to dakwah (to spread a good word on Islam). ”.

At the end of the day, it is hoped that while the guidelines will be enlightening to both Muslims and non-Muslims alike instead of further polarising or widen racial and religious divide in this plural Malaysian society. –  Focus Malaysia

Outrage as parents let children relieve themselves in trash bin at Bandar Rimbayu

 

A video showing two adults lifting two young children to relieve themselves in a rubbish bin at a shopping area in Bandar Rimbayu has gone viral on X, sparking outrage among Malaysians. - Screenshot from viral video

KUALA LUMPUR: A video showing two adults lifting two young children to relieve themselves in a rubbish bin at a shopping area in Bandar Rimbayu has gone viral on X, sparking outrage among Malaysians.

The 18-second clip, posted on the account 'ada apa hari ini', shows the first adult lifting a child before placing her down next to a bin. Moments later, a woman can be seen helping another young child sit on top of the rubbish bin beside a row of stacked pushcarts.

The scene was believed to have been recorded by someone standing near the trolley area outside the Jaya Grocer outlet at Rimbayu.

The user who uploaded the video described being shocked by the behaviour, saying it happened as they were about to start their morning grocery run.

"This is the gang defending the pet-friendly mall," the caption read.

"In the morning I wanted to look for kitchen items. My mind was racing thinking about what to cook for the weekend and I walked towards the trolleys to take one… and that's when I saw this scene where the children's parents allowed their two children, a girl and a boy, to pee in the trash can in front of Jaya Grocer Rimbayu."

The user added that the incident was so unsettling it completely changed their mood and appetite.

"After witnessing that, I lost interest in cooking. I just spent 10 minutes getting what my son asked for and left. I didn't even want to think about food after that. Filthy!"

The post rapidly gained traction, collecting over 8,000 likes and drawing hundreds of comments from disgusted netizens. It has also been reshared more than 75 times.

Many users questioned the adults' judgment, saying the act could pose hygiene issues in a public space. Others called on the mall management to respond and review its facilities for families with children.

As of now, the mall and authorities have not publicly commented on the matter. - NST

'Restoring voices': Historian uncovers Malaysia's 'silenced' past

 

In an attempt to reveal fact-based history to Malaysians, veteran historian Ranjit Singh Malhi stressed that acknowledging the contributions of other communities would not diminish the Malays’ position.

This is because the community’s status in the country is well-established, he said.

“What is wrong with acknowledging that (contributions of other communities)? You don’t lose your respect.

“We acknowledge that Malay people are the ‘tunjang’ (backbone) of Tanah Melayu, but why deny the role of others? That’s my point,” he told Malaysiakini after announcing his new book “Forgotten Malaysian History: Restoring Voices, Reclaiming Truths”.

Elaborating on his 30th book, which is now up for sale, Ranjit, 71, said the book title encapsulates the essence of his work, where he seeks to “restore voices” by documenting the historical presence and contributions of communities that have faded from mainstream accounts.

He added that the book was also produced out of growing concern that students are deprived of accurate and inclusive accounts of Malaysian history.

“What do I mean by restoring voices? (It means) restoring the voices of the communities that have been marginalised. Communities that have virtually become ‘invisible’ in a way,” he said.

Orang Asli, original inhabitants

Citing an example, Ranjit said mainstream history books virtually do not mention the contributions of the Orang Asli community, who are the original inhabitants of the country.

“They (Orang Asli) have virtually disappeared (from our history textbooks),” he lamented.

Citing an example, he said that secondary school history books (2016 to 2020 editions) have no mention of the Orang Asli community except for the Senoi Praaq, which is an Orang Asli police unit set up by the British colonial administration to combat communists.

Ranjit reiterated that while Orang Asli are the indigenous people of Peninsular Malaysia, the Malays are “definitive people” of the land, who, across centuries, have shaped West Malaysia’s political, cultural, and civilisational identity.

Historian Ranjit Singh Malhi (left) and UKM academic Shamsul Amri Baharuddin, who wrote the foreword for the book

However, he did not mince his words when criticising ethno-nationalists, accusing them of “weaponising history” to portray Malaysia as belonging to a single ethnic group, often by framing others as “pendatang” (immigrants) in an attempt to deny their ancestors’ contribution to nation-building.

And this is where, he added, his book would come in handy, “restoring marginalised voices” by documenting the historical presence and contributions of communities that have faded from mainstream accounts of nation-building.

Welcome constructive dialogue

Beyond correcting biased historical accounts, Ranjit said that his book is also intended as an invitation to dialogue, particularly among Malaysians who disagree with his views.

ADS

Asked about how he plans to deal with right-wing groups and ethno-nationalists who may disagree with his book, he said he would love to hear their rebuttals as long as they are based on facts during several roadshows he plans to organise in the coming months.

“I want people to debate with me. Not on vague claims, but based on sources and facts,” he stated, adding that confronting distorted readings of the past is not merely an academic exercise but a necessary step towards national unity and progress.

“How do we make our nation united, progressive, and in line with the Rukun Negara? How do we move forward as a nation? That’s the purpose of this book.

“Everybody played a role in forging this country called Malaysia,” he stressed.

Sense of belonging

However, the seasoned historian pointed out that history is not only about facts and dates, rather it also gives people a sense of place and belonging to their country.

That sense of belonging, Ranjit added, is something Malaysia urgently needs to restore.

“I belong to this nation. My ancestors, forefathers, also contributed to this nation,” he added.

He warned that failing to understand the past leaves the country vulnerable to repeating the same mistakes made by its ancestors.

On that note, Ranjit said that the country desperately needs leaders who view Malaysians as “Bangsa Malaysia” (Malaysian race), rather than through a narrow ethnic lens.

He emphasised that the nation’s progress banks on the willingness of the people to move beyond race-based politics and embrace a broader national identity.

“We need a new breed of politicians who look at Malaysians as Bangsa Malaysia… those who have the superordinate goal of making this a truly united, meritocratic, and progressive nation.

“Malaysia badly needs politicians of that mould, of that calibre. Who serve, truly serve the people,” he said.

The book, which took Ranjit five years of research and writing, spans 456 pages and includes over 250 high-quality historical photographs, and will be translated into Malay next year.

Printed in a hardcover edition with ivory pages, it is set to reach readers at an early bird price until the end of December, making it accessible to readers who are keen to explore Malaysia’s history.

Priced at RM100 for early birds, those interested can reach out to the author at ranjit@tqm.com.my. - Mkini