SUNDAY JOKES - 32

 

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next-door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps out of bed and says 'I've had enough of this, 'and she goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
The blonde says 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!'

Three young women were hired by an insurance company on the same day.
A year later the boss said each of them was due for a promotion, and that each woman would get her own office with her name on the door.
One day one of the women came in and found to her surprise that the other women had already moved into their own offices.
Going to her boss's office, she asked when her own office would be provided.
He pulled back his chair from his desk and unzipped his fly. "See this?" he asked, "This is quality, and in this company, quality goes in before the name goes up."

I'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman.
She looked at the man sternly and said, "I've got news for you, young man - you're going straight to hell!"
The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "Oh bugger, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny. "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old time's sake.
He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room, and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
After a couple of minutes, he asks, "how am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three nots."
"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're not hard, you're not in and you're not getting your money back."

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