SATURDAY JOKES - 47

 

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

Doctor: "Have you been drinking fluids?"
Patient: "Jeez, Doc, that's literally all I drink."

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer day. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure out dinner for yourself."
So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?"
"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" 
"Sixteen," the boy responded. 
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. 
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A. It's called "Sosumi".

A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself. 
She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the famous country music singer.” 
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I heard that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing - that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”

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