SUNDAY JOKES - 52

 

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say "God be praised" to all those who passed by.
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There is no God!!"
Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer "Oh Lord! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, "God be praised!."
The neighbour jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, "GOD BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"

Why does the bride always wear white? 

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the cooker and the fridge.

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice: "RM 500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I studied law, and I know how to screw people".

Why do the Vikings play in a Dome?
Because even God can't stand to watch!

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbour's house. She was a blonde, and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!"
She said, "I damn well do want to do this, nobody wants me alive anyway."
For some reason I actually believed her and pushed through the door, and saw she had a rope tied around her ankles. I asked "Are you really trying to hang yourself?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"Well, usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their necks"
"Yeah, well, I tried that, but then I couldn't breathe."

An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.” The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing. The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life. "The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life! "The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered, "Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."

All of his life, Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So, when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked at Len straight in his eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were all born in January, you were born in July."

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