TUESDAY JOKES - 50

 

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for RM 99.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for RM 99.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for RM 99.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for RM 99.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for RM 99.95, and Divorced Barbie for RM 665.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie RM 665.00 when all the others are only RM 99.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..." 

As public television viewers in 12 cities sat glued to their sets while doctors in Philadelphia reconstructed 15-month-old Michele Miller's skull during a two-hour operation telecast live, while the girl's parents, Lynn and Paul Miller of Princeton, N.J., opted to watch "The Wizard of Oz" instead.

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a church that was known for its rather “poor” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church. "The ushers suggested that the man goes away and pray some more and I might get a different answer. The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him. "Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”

During their vacation and while they were visiting the Middle East, George's mother-in-law died.
With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $50,000.
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $5,000.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case about two thousand years ago of a person that was buried here in Middle East. On the third day, he arose from the dead!
I just can't take that chance.

Dick: Great News! 

The teacher said we would have a test rain or shine.
Jane: What’s so great about that?
Dick: It’s snowing now.

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.
The aged gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. . . . doctor, I'm very concerned!"
The doctor, looking at his 86-year-old patient, said, "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gent's response was, "Well. . . three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. 
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready next Thursday," he said calmly.

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