TUESDAY JOKES - 52

 

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "come on sir, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So, my wife called him a "butthead".
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us, and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look out for cars with special stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It’s so important at our age!!

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters...
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half-full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that, the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Priest?
A: He walks around saying "Yow."

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handle. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get on the wheelbarrow. Without getting off, now drag it to the building."

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Women and beer."

There were two evil brothers. They were very rich, were frugal with their money and kept a very low profile. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church attendance started to swell in large numbers.
A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly hall.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a cheque for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."
The pastor gave his word and deposited the cheque.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold his words back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a short time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?
U.C.L.A...

In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth, and then He created man: God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
And Adam said, "What's a valley?"
And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
And Adam said, "What's a river?"
And God explained to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."
And Adam said, "What is a hill?"
And God explained that to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's a cave?"
And God explained that to him, then said, "In the cave, you will find a woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So, God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
So, God explained to him.
So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about fifteen minutes, Adam was back.
God patiently replied, as He always does, "Yes... how can I help you?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

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