TUESDAY JOKES - 54

 

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I had told them once it is alright but I told them 100 times - no singing in the bar!"

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUPs?

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken into his car. 
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could get underway the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

An elderly man went to his friend's house to have a little chitchat. Then, he told his friend, "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith."
His friend then asked, "So what's the name of the other leg?"

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco, and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm going to divorce my wife... she has not spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer, and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."

A dog walks into the unemployment office and asks a man behind the desk if he would help him find work. 
The man, astonished at the sight of a speaking dog, replies, "I think I can help you." The guy was immediately on the phone to the circus to find out if they could use the dog in their routine. 
The dog overhears some of this conversation and says, "I hate to interrupt, but what would the circus want with a bricklayer?"

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are no living beings in this universe other than on earth, you will believe it? 

But if someone tells you the wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure.

As you may know, in a shalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well, it happened that Russia had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, and the Italian in 38.1 seconds. Next came the Russian's turn ... the crowd waited, and waited...six minutes!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Russian finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Russian: "Which idiot put a no entry sign on each gate?

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