Life, liberty and the right to lodge police reports

 

Our beautiful Federal Constitution grants us tremendous rights. I get goosebumps just reading its majestic preamble on “Our God-given rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of lodging police reports.”

There’s other stuff about religious freedom, kings and queens, Malay customs as well as courts and judges, etc. But these are mere details compared to the “3LPR” clause, which together with the MA63 clause are the foundations of Malaysia.

But as opposed to MA63, this part of the constitution is healthy and flourishing. In fact, in Malaysia, police reports are seen as sacrosanct and the preferred solution to most problems.

But they are so versatile they can also be the cause of most problems.

The only way these rights can be taken away from us is by Parliament passing a two-thirds majority vote amending the Federal Constitution. If they ever do that, I’d lodge a police report against them.

It’ll be under Section 31 subsection 8 para 14 (C) (amendment 1989) of the Penile Code. Something about garnishing chattels and torting mea culpas in absentia. Or any cock and bull story you may care to invent. Or so my lawyer tells me 200 billable hours later.

But I’d have to lodge a police report about the suspension of Parliament first! I’d have to queue up behind the long line of PH (Pakatan Hopeless) politicians. And I’d need to register through the MySejahtera app to do that.

I’d also like to lodge a report against MySejahtera! But the app keeps crashing and the only police station open to lodge a report is in Kampong Ayam Penyet, Tawau, at 2:30am on Aug 27.

Police reports are probably the only truly free and fair process remaining in our democracy. Whatever problems you have, whether criminal, social, political or personal, lodge a report. Then sit back and watch others lodge their own reports against you.

When Malaysians have a minor road accident, they race to see who can get to the police station first to lodge a report. Usually that’s when the second, and more serious, accidents happen.

You can lodge a report against everything, including the road dividers that jumped out and without any provocation smashed your car. Or somebody insulting your religion. Or that your feelings are hurt. Typical everyday Malaysian stuff.

I’ve been getting wrong number calls from a Mr Gan on everything from hotel loyalty programmes to unpaid debts. Damn you Mr Gan! Please contact me on how to use hotel loyalty programmes and create debts you don’t have to pay.

But sorry about the police reports I lodged against you. I was told to do that, to be on the safe side, according to my lawyers (Su Dem, Han Tam and Ass) after 200 billable hours, which I don’t intend to pay. Let them lodge a police report against me for all I care.

And I’m sorry the report I lodged against you Mr Gan is automatically lodged in all of Southeast Asia. Don’t forget when lodging a police report to click the “Share” button to activate this functionality.

Please note this doesn’t apply to Singapore, where only the prime minister may lodge police reports against his enemies. Funnily, I distinctly remember us Malaysians having invented that. Another case of Singapore claiming credit, like nasi lemak?

Occasionally people will sue each other for something or other. But often they’re just threats, because lawyers are expensive, and can sue you back if you don’t pay their billable hours.

If you’re caught with your pants down (sometimes literally) and you don’t want to say anything on record that may come back to haunt you, the only safe option is to lodge a police report.

What exactly does your report say though? “The handsome and well-endowed male who looks like me and speaks like me and had sex just like me, having carnal knowledge with the beauty pageant winner, however, isn’t me?” I’d rather die than make that report!

There are rumours that police reports might be privatised. In these tough times, with government revenues down, we should monetise the police reports. It’s one of the few growth areas in our economy. The police report per capita in Malaysia is among the highest in the world.

First, we charge for police reports. But we give discounts for those who report through the MyPoliceReport app. It’s part of our digitalisation journey, which will start showing profits after the first RM70 million.

To do that, police reports will be taken away from the police and corporatised. Billions then will be borrowed through Goldman Sachs and then the new corporation will be privatised through an open and fair tender process to somebody’s personal driver. Then off we go.

The B40s may report against other B40s for free through the Police Report 1 Malaysia scheme, PR1M. Reports against orang atasan may only be lodged by another orang lagi atas.

The M40s may not lodge police reports though. Apart from obeying the laws and paying taxes, the middle class are just such pests.

Next, we sell pre-reports in bulk, with expiry dates (and also without, though these cost more, including yearly maintenance fees and sinking funds). On the actual day of lodging the report, just sign and pay stamp duties.

We can even deliver police reports to your home, something deemed as essential services under MCO 3.0 through to MCO 25.2, or June 30, 2022, whichever comes first.

MPs should get Police Report Allowances. Ministers must declare their stock of police reports to the auditor-general. Upon joining the Cabinet, these must be kept in blind trusts or converted into luxury watches and jewellery.

Police reports can be deposited into bank accounts and traded on Bursa KL. We can even export excess police reports to Indonesia, where apparently one Malaysian police report is worth 3,500 Indonesian ones.

There will also be special express counters for reports claiming the owner’s social media account has been hacked, and that the posts insulting the PM or the ruling coalition or other races are fake.

Soon, one must lodge a police report first to say one intends to lodge a police report, and pay a non-refundable fee. Or lodge pre-emptive police reports against yourself or your people, called #SayaJagaSaya or #KitaJagaKita. And pay non-refundable fees of course.

Sorry, have to leave you here. Need to go lodge a police report saying that I haven’t lodged any report over the past 21 days. See you at the station. - FMT

The views expressed are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of MMKtT.