My word! Baboons, backdoors, kissing and other news

 

Today I’ll explain to you, dear readers, the meanings of some of the words, phrases and concepts currently trending or which have become newsworthy in Malaysia. I’ll return at irregular intervals with this service.

All the explanations here come with the usual Adzhar Guarantee (TM), meaning it’s right where it’s right, and it’s wrong where it’s wrong, and sometimes vice versa, or maybe even the other way round. Anyway, in no particular order, here goes.

Sardines – Sometimes used to refer to ikan bilis. Denotes a small, insignificant group of people whom you can makan anytime.

(Note: Ikan bilis, or anchovies, used to be the preferred analogue for the weak and the unworthy, but have you checked the price of ikan bilis lately? Sardines now have become the preferred alternative).

Big Fish – The people who makan ikan bilis (now sardines) even though they think chicken is better.

Chicken – See sardines. See other recent news too.

Kissing – 1. When trains whack each other and there’s blood on the floor (in France a train wreck is called a French Kiss). 2. In movies or videos…never mind, it’s always censored and you don’t get to see it anyway. 3. In politics, it’s an act of bodek (kissing ass) or an act of affection (kissing ass) or a sexual act against the order of nature in a hotel room somewhere (kissing ass).

Backdoor – A form of sexual act against the order of nature. See also “Parliament”. See also “kissing ass”. See also “excrement” for things that pass through the backdoor.

MCO – A three letter acronym used with prefixes (such as EMCO) or suffixes (such as MCO 3.0). Invented by the Malaysian government in early 2020 at the beginning of the pandemic. Nominally means “lockdown”, but through regular usage has mutated into “We’ve no idea what we’re doing”. See also “idiots” for similar usage. See also “Kesana kesini”. See also “Makcik Kiah”.

Covid-19 – An act of nature, or force majeure, used to justify curfews and lockdowns and emergency shutdowns of Parliament. They’re cheaper and more plentiful nowadays because they’re imported from China.

Delta Variant – A rare but concerning variant of Covid-19 spread by the recent “SoopaaSpredaa” religious events all over India. It used to be called the Indian variant, but that has unhealthy racial overtones, so now it’s referred to by the Ganges Delta where it originated.

Parliament – A gathering of baboons. (Google it)

(Editor’s note: No, a group of baboons is not called a parliament of baboons. They are called a troop of baboons. This is just a bad internet meme. Adzhar, stop being disrespectful to baboons.)

Vaccination – A new multiracial and multireligious festival, held at large public places by invitation only for adult Malaysians. It’s implemented to replace Hari Raya, Chinese New Year, Deepavali and Christmas. It’s very well promoted on social media, and likely to be a regular annual celebration from now on.

MySejahtera – A popular Malaysian video game, prone to crashes. Developed to amuse the Malaysians who stay at home during the lockdowns. You have to play the game when you visit many public places such as shops or supermarkets. It has a lottery feature offering “Vaccines” as prizes, usually collectible in a different state.

The beta version was reportedly developed at the cost of RM70 million by Oxford-trained scientists. It’s supposed to replace the worse version released earlier.

Essential Services – Services which are deemed critical and necessary to the function of life and society during the lockdowns. Doesn’t include Parliament or nasi lemak, but includes Chanel and LV.

Miti – Ministry Administering Trade and Industry. Oh wait, that’s MATI. Same-same but different, but still same.

SOP – Standard Outside Procedures: the rules you need to observe when you’re outside during a lockdown, such as social distancing, number of people in a car, masks, etc. Enforced at various roadblocks, exceptions may only be made for politicians and celebrities.

AstraZeneca – A Jewish plot to infect the world with antibodies and killer T cells and other horrible biological warfare weapons. The Jews, being cunning and thorough, got everything covered from A to Z.

Pfizer – A higher class, more exclusive Jewish plot reserved for higher class people. Apparently not so good because you’ve to take it again after only three weeks. The “P” is, as always, silent in the p fronounciation.

Sinovac – A Chinese vaccine reversed-engineered from AstraZeneca. Achieves pretty much whatever AstraZeneca claims, but cheaper and much preferred by Chinese Malaysians, but not popular with some Muslims. Claimed to have created a 100% herd mentality in China.

Zoom – Meetings and discussions over video links where sarongs or sweatpants may be worn and your boss gets to invade the privacy of your home (and you his, until he learnt how to use backgrounds).

ASAP – Short for “A Sitting At Parliament”, meaning “take your time”, such as in “Parliament shall sit ASAP”.

Cabinet – Any gathering of 72 or more baboons, as in a ”Cabinet of baboons” but less than 270, where it becomes a “Parliament of baboons”.

(Editor’s note – Oh Adzhar…)

Vaccine Hesitancy – The psychological condition where a person feels they may already have received protection against Covid-19 directly from God. In certain cases, God may invite such persons to meet Him quicker than normal as a reward for their strong faith.

PPE – Personal Protective Equipment, a collection of devices and materials meant to protect against infection by the Covid-19 virus. Includes but not limited to cow dung, cow urine, air ketum, air kelapa, bunga cengkih, plastic face masks, etc.

Frontliners – People prone to life-threatening situations in the belief that what they do is necessary, important and worth the risks. May similarly be called by God to meet Him before their time. Not paid enough, not appreciated enough, and after the pandemic, won’t be remembered enough.

There’s a bill in Parliament proposing MPs be sent out to be frontliners. The bill will be debated when Parliament sits next, and hopefully be voted into an Act. See “ASAP”. See also “Baboons”.

(Postscript: Why is it that in Parliament you get the Bill before you get the Act? Isn’t it the case in the real world that you get the act first and only then do you get the bill?) 

A parliament of owls, an ostentation of peacocks, a knot of frogs, and a skulk of foxes are among collective names once used in the English language. (Twitter pic) - FMT

The views expressed are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of MMKtT.