SATURDAY JOKES - 59

 

One Monday morning a mailman was walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments. 
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for my Birthday Cheers and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" 
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." 
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." 
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times." 

The insurance man was explaining the benefits of his policy over those of his competitors. 
"If you fall from the eighty-fifth story of the Petronas Twin Tower, just for argument's sake, and if you hit the ground, we pay you double indemnity. We pay you RM1,400 a week for as long as you live. And payments start from the time you leave the window so that you're making money on the way down."

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.
'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.'
At this point, he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.'

Do you know what I saw today? 

Everything I looked at.

What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?
"Trilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"Malaysian"

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? 

A stick!

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. 
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean. "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" 
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one-dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..." 
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brain. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. 
And, you guessed it, Linda is a dumb blonde! 

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