SATURDAY JOKES - 86

 

He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage, she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"
Again, he said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said, "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!"
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black!"

Stepping up to the counter at the fast-food restaurant, I asked for a baked potato with butter on the side.
With the gusto of someone newly employed, the teenager taking my order asked, “Which side?”

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ..."HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows!"

I lost my virginity! 

Can I have yours?

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whiskey, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whiskey, you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a lippy bastard!"

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up onshore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.
"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish."
"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television a lot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles."
"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...
And her ears promptly fell off!

 

Let’s play carpenter.

First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. 

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!"

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