A guy
calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The
receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."
The
next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies,
"I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The
next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the
receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you,
your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The
guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
Patient:
"Doctor! There's a fly in the ointment!"
Doctor:
"Yes, I know, he's recovering from a nasty soup-burn!"
The Sunday
school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the teacher decided to get
her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.
"I'm
going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is.
First:
I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."
The
children looked at her blank.
"I
also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."
No
response. This wasn't going well at all!
Finally,
a kid volunteered:
"Well,
I know the answer has to be Jesus....but its sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
Most men
are like bank accounts...
When
they don't have a lot of money, they don't generate much interest!
A man and his wife were making their first
doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After
everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's
stomach with indelible ink.
The
couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the
husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny
letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
Why did the tomato
turn red?
It saw the salad dressing!
A little
boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you,
Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The
grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, my dear?" she asked.
The
little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the
walls if you came to visit us again."
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a
lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in
order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St.
Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that
crashed into the iceberg? They made a movie about it.” The teacher answered
quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.
St.
Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t really need all the
foul odour this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little
harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had seen the
movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s
right! You may enter,” said Peter.
Then
St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them all!”
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