THURSDAY JOKES - 85

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

 

Did you hear about the carrot detective?

He always got to the root of every case!

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. 

The first vampire responds, "I would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. 

The vampire responds, "I would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. 

The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

What washes up on very small beaches?

Micro-waves!

"Who likes music?" asks a commander.
Two soldiers step forward.
"OK, you two. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor."

 

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused the payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and once again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." 

The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut!

Why do people hate getting up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece!

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system, whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install function does not work on this program. Can you please help me?
- Mr. I M Distress

Dear I M Distress,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.
Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.
The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high in maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use utilities such as TNB and SYABAS.
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0
With best wishes,
Tech Support.

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