TUESDAY JOKES - 86

 

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Why do comedians love eggs?

They’re easy to crack up!

During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" the doctor asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now he is running out of places to put it! The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! 

Now the instructions include the removal of the old patch before applying a new one!

What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?

A jam session!

A new, young medical specialist doing his residency in obstetrics was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic examinations. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this examination suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" 

She replied, "No doctor, but the song that you were whistling was Baby, you have a beautiful body".

Why should you never tell a taco a secret?

Because they tend to spill the beans!

 

Stock market report...

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market!

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