THURSDAY JOKES - 96

 

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the breweries decide to go to the pub for a drink. The President of Coors said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.
Then the President of Budweiser orders, "The King Of Beers - Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.
The President of Amstel walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.
Then the President of Guinness says, "I'll have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.
All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well, if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."

This lady I know is pretty incredible at composing music on the fly...
But one day she fell off!

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duff the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard, instead grip the club gently as you would in the case of your husband's willy."
The pro said, "That was excellent!! 

Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. 

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. 

Do not walk beside me either. 

Just pretty much leave me alone!

 

I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines!

The man credited with inventing the personal computer has died, due to a failure of his life support machine.
His last words were, "Have you tried switching it off and on again?"

Success is relative...
The more success, the more relatives!

 

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. 

During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

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