SATURDAY JOKES - 116

 

A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!"
She replies,. "Well you look terrible"!

He shakes his head and starts thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great. Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. 

He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great but everyone is telling me I look terrible."

The physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." 

The physician consults his handbook and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: 

"Feels great, looks great, no that's not you". 

"Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you". 

"Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you... 

"It says here you're a vagina!"

How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?

Envelopes in the disk drive!

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. 

"Well," said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK," said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". 

The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

Q: Why can't a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?

A: Because they can't eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time!

A man who was gloomy and desperate at England's current football situation decides to commit suicide. He plans to hang himself in his living room. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full England kit as his last statement. 

A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, calls the police.

On arrival, the police quickly removed the jersey and dressed the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused, asks why.

The policeman simply replies, "It's to avoid embarrassing your family!"

Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline. 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so please stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal-retentive, please hold!

 

There are two kinds of people in this world. 

Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord." 

And those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning!"

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together and afterwards; the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning. 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...

... "You just happened to catch my eye!

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