SATURDAY JOKES - 118

 

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the Secret Service about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of honorary medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I've just retired. The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten ringgit." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a compulsive liar!"

Three men and a young woman are travelling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes an erotic turn.
The young woman proposes: “If each of you give me RM1, I will show you my legs”. The men, charmed by the woman, all pulled a ringgit note out of their wallet and she proceeds to pull up her dress a bit to show her legs.
The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen give me RM10, I will show you my thighs”. Again, the men pulled out their wallets, hands over the money and the woman pulls up her dress to show her thighs.

The woman continues: “If you give me RM100 each, I will show you where I was operated on for my appendicitis”. All three handed over the money.

The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!”

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a deer beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the deer fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say someone else shot that deer."

The doctor replied, " That's exactly my point!"

Patient 1: “Why did you run away from the operating table?”
Patient 2: “The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small and simple operation only’, and things like that.”
Patient 1: “So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?”

Patient 2: “She was talking to the surgeon!”

A very old couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"

What does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat?

Thunderwear!

There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Lotus, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure."
So, the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:
"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you to maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 100 km per hour. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of a sudden, a black Porche came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Lotus forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to racing the Porche.

A little further down the road sat Police Constable Adnan with a radar speed gun ready. He heard the two cars before his radar gun flashed 150 kph.

He called into the Police headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Porche and a Lotus racing out here on the Kesas Highway and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"

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