SUNDAY JOKES - 117

 

Doctor to Lena: “Madam, your husband is really critical. See that he remains in a good mood. Don't make demands that trouble him, don't discuss your problems, if any, with him. If you continue to follow all these instructions along with good homemade food, he is likely to survive.”
When Lena reached home, Ollie asked: “What was the report? What did the doctor say?”

Lena: “Oh, nothing much. There is little chance of your survival!”

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. 

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

What is a skeleton?
Bones, with the person off!

Three old men - Jack, Roland & Nicholas were talking about what their grandkids would be mentioning about them fifty years from then.
Jack said, "I would like my grandchild to say, 'He was a successful businessman'".
Roland, the sentimental gentleman said, "I want my grandchildren to remember me as a loyal family man".
Then Jack asked Nicholas, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"
"Well," replied Nicholas, "I want my grandkids to say 'He certainly looks good for his age!'"

What might you eat in Paris?
The trifle tower!

 

Mike and his wife Dara were walking along Port Dickson beach one Sunday afternoon. 

In the bandstand, the combo was playing a catchy sounding tune and Dara said, "I wonder what the name of that tune is."

Mike noticed that there was a sign posted near the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post the titles of the tunes they play. I'll go down and see."

A while later, Mike returned and said to Dara, "It's one I don't know, it's called 'Refrain from Spitting!'"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

A: She missed.

 

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. 

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in. 

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." 

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him. 

God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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