TUESDAY JOKES - 118

 

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit in my pants..."

Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?

A: Winnie the Pooh!

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies "I just love it; it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner!"

A man was suffering from insomnia and went to see a doctor. After a thorough checkup, the doctor declared, “The only remedy for this suffering is not to take tension with you when you go to bed.”

Patient replies, “That's exactly what I have been telling my wife. But she is not prepared to use the guest room!”

Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
He said, “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”
When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor told him. “Did you just do it by following my instructions? 

The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean.”

“No,” replied Mr. Johnson, “from skipping!”

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, 

God pushes the date back a little bit just to be funny!

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender to pour him a 12-year-old single malt scotch "before the trouble starts". The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away.

After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him "pour me a 15-year-old scotch before the trouble starts". The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15-year-old scotch.

After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18-year-old scotch "before the trouble starts". The bartender is becoming a little worried but pours him the 18-year-old scotch.

Before the man finishes his 18-year-old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: "Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?" 

To which the man replies: "The trouble starts, when you find out that I don't have any money!" 

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