SATURDAY JOKES - 120

 

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the professor asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furiously, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately, he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take his test paper.

The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"

The professor said, "No and I don't care."

The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am.

The professor again said no. So, the student walked over to the pile of tests papers, placed his in the middle then threw all the papers in the air.

"Good," the student said and walked out. 

He passed!

James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend, Danny.

"Morning, Danny. Oh ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"

"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning; you see."

"The weather forecast?"

"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said, on the one hand, it might be fine but on the other hand, there might be some rain!"

A man got a parrot that could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly knows bad words. At first, he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.

As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot, "That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again, the bird cursed him.

Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator, the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer, threw the bird into it, and closed the door.

This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:

"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to give a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. 

The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!". The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick!"

Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."

Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls on papa's computer!"

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for RM 1,000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually, the lady asks, "Aren't you going to bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive!"

A wealthy Malaysian man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. 

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!"

A hungry lion was roaming the jungle looking for something to eat. The lion came across two men. One was sitting under the tree reading a book, the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers' cramp!

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now, what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet!"

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