SATURDAY JOKES - 121

 

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion!”

“A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five ringgit you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five ringgit, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five ringgit. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five ringgit." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from Grandma!"

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. However, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there! 

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss. 

The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just be an asshole! 

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her again the next day and night, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her the next day and night, made love to her the following day and night but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

And the important moral of this story? You cannot kill two birds with one stone!

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of rail tracks.  

The first blonde said "those are deer tracks."  

The second blonde said "No, those are elk tracks."  

The third blonde said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."  

The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them!

What are the 3 rules of Golf? 

If the ball goes right it's a slice, 

If the ball goes left it's a hook, 

And it the ball goes straight it's a miracle!

So why does the golfer carry two shirts? 

In case he gets a hole in one!

Do you know why the game is called golf? 

Because all the other four-letter words were taken!

"Your honour," a defense attorney began, "I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Encik Ali was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred." 

The judge looked at the defence table and said, "This is the third time you've been in this court room this week and I'm getting sick of hearing your lies." 

The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, "Your honour, you must be mistaken. I've never been here in my life." 

Waving his finger, the judge replied, "I was referring to your lawyer!"

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