There is an overweight guy who is watching the television. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So, the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. The next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this, he tries the next weight loss plan; 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master's program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still, he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door is a hulking 300-pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34!
"Babe, is it in?"
"Yea."
"Does it hurt?"
"Uh-huh."
"Let me put it in slowly."
"It still hurts."
"Okay, let's try another shoe size!"
A teacher was wrapping up class and started
talking about tomorrow's final examination. He said there would be no excuses
for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate
family member's death. One smart male student asked, "What about extreme
sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter!
A woman went to a lawyer to
discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him
anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love
him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is to make love, I can't
take it anymore."
"Instead of divorcing him,
why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the
lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to
give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the
house that night her husband put the move on her.
"Not so fast," she replied.
"From now on it'll be RM 10 in the kitchen, RM 20 in the living room, and
RM 50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's
RM 50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said,
grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"
A girl
realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked
her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair
has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown
hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey
has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is
already eating bananas!"
With
their faith in humanity restored after the pandemic, a couple attends a concert
and returns home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuables have
been taken from throughout the house, from the basement to the attic. And,
there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I
have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"
Three
people get arrested and are taken for questioning. The officer talks to the
first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo".
The
officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing
bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go.
He asks
the second girl, "What's your name?" She responds with,
"Yo-Yo". The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She
responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and
lets her go.
He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo-Yo-Yo." The guy replies, "No, it's Bubbles!"
A little boy
with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra. The mom asks, "Why on
Earth do you need that?!"
The little boy
says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his willy doesn't get hard?"
Hillary
Clinton died and the Lord decided she goes to heaven. St. Peter approached her
and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here,
you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll
get back to you as soon as I can."
So Hillary sits
down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that
extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall, there are millions and
millions of clocks. She can't help but notice that on occasion some of the
clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.
When St Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"
St Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every man on Earth".
Hillary asks "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"
St Peter replies "That means that the man that owns that clock has just committed adultery".
Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"
St Peters replies, "Of course, not. God has it in his office and He is using it for an electric fan!"
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