THURSDAY JOKES - 119

 

One day a duck walks into a store and asks the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes back the next day and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"

A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the cashier to purchase her groceries. The cashier looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised and replies, "Yes, how did you know?" 

The cashier answers, "Because you're ugly!"

A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. 

The trick is not to form an emotional bond!

Q: Why is a soccer game a good place to go on a hot day? 

A: Because there are lots of fans!

Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth? 

A: Decaffeinated!

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth? 

A: A brick!

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies' room? 

A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before!

A man called his child's doctor, "Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and he swallowed it. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Until I can come over, write with another pen!"

Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?" 
Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"

Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with a hundred percent certainty you'd stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn't eaten in seven years behind it, or a door with an electrical chair behind it? 

A: The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn't eaten in seven years; it's dead!

There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight. One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him. Then Brain said, "Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police." When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said, "Mad, you go ahead and make the report. I will wait for you here." Mad said, "Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. Mad went to the officer, smacked the table and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked, "Are you looking for a fight?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am." The policeman asked, "Are you mad?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad." The policeman then asked, "Don't you have a brain?" Mad replied, "Brain is outside, sir."

A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. 

The boy says, "You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal!" 

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