THURSDAY JOKES - 122

 

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage on a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old-style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking, 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking, 'The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Irishman was thinking, 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!'

 

What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator!

Why you shouldn't write with a broken pencil?

Because it is pointless!

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" 

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

A man asks his gym instructor, "Can you make me do splits?"

The gym instructor asks him if he is flexible and the man replies that he cannot do it on Tuesdays!

Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean!"

What did a tomato say to the other tomato during a race?

Ketchup!

Tired of his low approval ratings, President Biden called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.
So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning and the President saw him immediately.

The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want to be done here in this office?"
"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, express the will of the people," Biden ordered.

So, the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him!!!

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