TUESDAY JOKES - 120

 

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one, Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "RM 38.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found RM 138 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was RM 38; not RM 138. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" 

She could scream all she wanted to. I am keeping the umbrella!

Three words to ruin a man's ego. 

"Is it in?"

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

A: Because like all men, they won't stop to ask for directions!

Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say when clients are leaving?
A: “Thanks for coming!”

Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh God, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it!"

An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:

Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."

Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Buddhist."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his young wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So, my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand,... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" 

The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid out of the specimen cup!"

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour. As they walked, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything and the wife is really happy because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. 

The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain at the doorstep!

Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. "I froze to death. How about you?" "I had a heart attack." "How did that happen?" "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So, after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack." "That's ironic." "Why?" 

"If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive!"

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell and the angel agrees. 

He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven." So, the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." 

The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell!!!"

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