TUESDAY JOKES - 122

 

A tourist couple from England was driving through Penang Island. 

As they approached Air Itam, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the place. 

They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. 

At the counter, the husband asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? 

Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" 

She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing!"

In a public-school cafeteria, the caretaker places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." 

Further down the line is a pile of cookies. 

A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples!"

 

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? 

One snatches your watch. 

The other watches your snatch!

 

Three dead men go to hell at the same time. There is a Malay man, a Chinese man, and an Indian man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The Malay man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into hell. The Indian man gets a glass soda bottle, farts into it, closes the lid, pokes many holes in the lid, and asks Satan from which hole the fart came from. After pointing to every hole on the lid, the Indian man turns around, points at his butt hole, and says, "Nope, this one!"

 

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students? 

A PDF file!

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? 

Because his wife died!

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? 

Ken came in another box!

How is life like toilet paper? 

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone!

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? 

Because they won't stop to ask for directions!

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? 

A glad-he-ate-her!

Mother Lion: Junior, what are you doing?

Lion Cub: I’m chasing a hunter around a tree. 

Mother Lion: How many times must I tell you not to play with your food?

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for God to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When God showed up, they asked him. God said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited and waited. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, God finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" God, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," God shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Two guys are walking through a game park and they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They ran as fast as they could and one of the guys starts to get tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the lion saying a prayer: "Thank you, Lord, for the food I am about to receive!"

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